A great deal of fighting does take place in perfectly normal households. Parents who can face and accept that fact can approach the problem with useful realism.

 

REASONS FOR FIGHTING

1. There are many reasons for siblings to fight--perhaps the greatest being to get attention.
2. Children fight because they enjoy it and it is something to do. Busy, happily occupied children are less likely to fight than those with nothing to do.
3. Children quarrel because they are competing for their parents' love and approval. The desire to be the best and come first is extremely strong.
4. Fighting results from problems dealing with ownership and sharing of possessions.
5. Fighting results from the question of fairness. There are occasions in which one child, by virtue of age or experience, will be given more privileges or possessions than the other.
6. Some children fight to prevent being dominated by another, while others fight to try to control another child.

 

WHEN FIGHTING OCCURS

• Check the time of day, type of situation, and with whom the fighting occurs. When there are more than two children, there may be certain combinations that lend themselves to discord.
• Fighting often follows a regular pattern. The most common time is just before dinner when the children are hungry and tired. Zeroing in on other times when fighting is occurring is a good step in prevention.
• The duration of time the children are together may be a problem. Children may play unsupervised for a short period of time peacefully, but giving an extension of time may result in fighting.
• Certain situations, by their very nature, will cause difficulty. It is best to separate children when one knows they are a bad combination, as well as to prohibit games which will ultimately lead to fighting.

WHAT TO DO ABOUT FIGHTING

1. Allow children to solve their own quarrels. If parents remain out of sibling fighting, the children will become more self-reliant in solving their squabbles.
2. If children are physically abusing each other, separate them.
3. Send the child to his room or have a "time out" period. By leaving the room calmly, parents can separate themselves from the child. Set a timer for the desired period of separation, thereby the parents' voice is not involved. For many children, the timer seems to have a magical power.
4. Establish rules relative to fighting such as no physical abuse. Rules should also be made and explained pertaining to the borrowing of others; personal possessions and the responsibility for the care of them. Rules must be very specific and simple.
5. When rules are broken, take away an important privilege.
6. To avoid arguments about possessions, give each child his own personal property. When doing so, avoid giving identical items to each. The rivalry may become stronger if the younger child always gets the same as the older. When sharing is observed, praise immediately.
7. Give children stars when they show desired improved behavior toward sibling. A predetermined number of stars would earn a special privilege. Try to reward children for displaying appropriate behavior.
8. Avoid any activity which is causing regular disputes.
9. Remove any fought-over objects for a period of time.
10. Plan activities to keep children busy and find outlets for their emotions, so that fighting with siblings will not be a primary pleasure.
11. At the time when the children are tired and tend to quarrel, assign each an activity such as setting the table and helping to prepare dinner. Take the time to avoid a fight rather than to settle one.

SUGGESTED READINGS:

Ames, Louise. He Hit Me First. 1982

Ginott, Haim. Between Parent and Child. 1965

Schaefer, Charles and H. Millman. How to Help Children with Common Problems. 1981

to CAP KITs topics

 

 

 Copyright by School Counselors, Altoona Area School District
clange, Webmaster
gsprankle, AASD Web Architect
Revised: January 1, 2003