Being a parent can at times be one of life's most demanding tasks. Parents often wonder if they are "doing the right thing" when dealing with some of the problems that are bound to come up in the course of parent-child relationships. The truth of the matter is that there is probably no one "right" style of parenting. We choose our methods according to what feels right, and what seems to work well. Since c hildren do not come to us with an "owner's manual" like a car or an appliance, we parents are often left to figure out how to raise children by the trial and error method.

The ideas in this pamphlet have been helpful to many parents in trying to sort out their thoughts on how to deal effectively with parent-child concerns. You are encouraged to read, think, and decide if any of these ideas have meaning for your life.

 

Problem Ownership

Who owns the problem? This is a key question for parents because one kind of skill is helpful when the parent owns the problem, whle other skills are useful when the child owns the problem.

Child-owned: If the child has needs that are not being met, and the child's behavior does not directly interfere with the parent's needs, we say that the child owns the problem. (Child-owned problems are addressed in another pamphlet in this series, entitled "Child-Owned Problems.")

Parent-owned: When the child's behavior does interfere with the needs of the parents, then we say that the parent owns the problem.

 

"I" Messages

When the child's behavior is causing a problem for the parent, it is often helpful to use "I" messages to convery your feelings. The parent states how he/she feels about the problem, and allows the child a chance to respond voluntarily to the situation.

Examples:

"I feel frustrated when I have dinner ready and people are late."

"I get angry when I see dirty clothes all over the bathroom."

"I'm not very happy when I can't hear the TV news because there is so much noise in the room."

"I" messages are a good first step because they:

Avoid "you" statements that often sound like "put downs"

Lessen defensiveness on the part of the child

Allow the child the dignity of choosing to correct the situation before he is "told"

 

What If the Misbehavior Continues?

If the child continues to misbehave, you may want to consider using the concept of "Logical Consequences."

Logical consequences are results of the child's misbehavior that are logically connected to the misbehavior. You, the parent, choose which logical consequenc es to set up. Children then choose which consequences occur, based on the behaviors they choose. Your c hild can learn responsibility for his actions, and get information upon which he can base future behavior choices.

Examples:

Problem: child is noisy while parents talk

Consequence: child may play quietly in the room OR play in his own room

Problem: child wanders too far from home

Consequence: when child chooses to go beyond the limits, he chooses to play in the back yard only for one week

Problem: child doesn't do choreds

Consequence: child may play (watch TV, visit friends, etc.) after the chores are finished

 

Is Logical Consequences the Same as Punishment?

Logical consequences differs from punishment in several ways:

Logical consequences....

...give the child information regarding what logically follows from misbehavior

...are intended to help the child learn from the experience

...are given in a firm, friendly manner without yelling, anger, hostility. (Let the consequences "do the talking.")

Punishment....

...is retaliation for misbehavior

...is too often delivered in an atmosphere of anger and resentment

 

A Few Last Words

Children learn self-control best when they are given choices about the consequences of their behaviors.

EITHER-OR choices: "Kathy, either you play quietly here, or you can go to your room. You decide."

WHEN-THEN choices: "Bill, when you have done your chores, then you may have friends over."

If the child continues to misbehave after you have given the choices, he has chosen the consequences by his behavior. It is important to act at this point, to show that you "mean what you say," and "say what you mean."

 

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Revised: January 1, 2003