All children lie from time to time. How the lies are handled by the parents is important. Misjudging the child or shaming him into a confession will only teach him to lie more convincingly the next time, and make him more reluctant to turn to his parents for help in a problem situation.

Ability to learn about lying develops slowly. You may find the following general stages helpful in judging your own child's development:

age 5 - still exaggerates

- tells fanciful stories

- begins to know when he is "fooling"

age 6 - will usually deny his misbehavior and tell

falsehoods to get out of difficulty

age 7 - less lying and more concern about

lying being "wrong"

age 8 - many children are truthful by now on

matters they think are important

- still some tall tales and boasting

age 9 - for the most part, truthful at this age

 

WHY DO CHILDREN LIE?

• self-defense - to escape the consequences of behavior
• denial - as a way of coping with painful memories
• modeling - copying what they see adults do
• self-esteem - bragging to seem important
• testing reality - trying to separate fact/ fiction
• loyalty - to protect other children
• hostility - general anger toward others
• gain - to get something they want
• self-image - been told and believe they are liars
• distrust - not believed before, so now prefer to lie

 

HOW TO PREVENT LYING

Be truthful yourself. Do not make excuses or break promises. Try to be aware of your own tendencies to exaggerate or to deny mistakes.

Discuss the issue of lying with your children. Teach them that dishonesty is destructive, that respect and trust are built on honesty. Remind them of the story about the boy who "cried wolf" so often that no one believed him when he was telling the truth.

Use praise and express appreciation frequently so your child will feel secure enough to admit mistakes and wrongdoing.

Be certain that your punishments are neither too frequent nor too severe --- both could cause the child to lie for self-protection.

 

WHAT TO DO ABOUT LYING

Do not demand confessions. Instead, gather evidence and present your concern. If you know your child has not been completing his homework, do not ask him whether he has, but rather, tell him, "We need to find a way to stop this from happening."

Penalize your child for lying so that he learns that lying only works to his disadvantage. Consequences for the misdeed should still occur, but may be reduced if the child has told the truth about the matter.

Explain again and again the value of truthfulness. Assure the child that you are on his side and will do all in your power to help him, but that in order to be helpful, you must be able to depend on him to give you the whole story honestly.

Try to determine what prompted the child to lie - (refer to previous section). Find ways to deal with that specific need so that the underlying cause for the lying will be relieved.

 

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Revised: January 1, 2003