BE POSITIVE

Divorce need not be destructive to children; their lives need not be ruined if parents work to provide healthy surroundings in a single-parent home, rather than thinking of their child's home as "broken." The likelihood is that children recover better in a "divorced home" than in a home with a divorce in it.

 

TYPES OF DIVORCE

Since the experiences and feelings of the parents affect children so directly, perhaps some knowledge of the types of divorce will help a parent know what to expect.

EMOTIONAL DIVORCE - the problem of the deteriorating marriage

LEGAL DIVORCE - the problem of hiring lawyers and working out the legal aspects of undoing the marriage

ECONOMIC DIVORCE - the problem of settling assets and property

CO-PARENTAL DIVORCE - the problem of establishing custody and visitation arrangements

COMMUNITY DIVORCE - the problem of the altered social world of friends and family

PSYCHIC DIVORCE - the problem of becoming personally independent

LIVING WITH A LOSS

Separation and divorce mean the end (or death) of a concept all of us have about the "perfect" family and now we must deal with feelings of being different. Often there is a feeling of loss for the missing parent.

Research shows that people of divorce express a loss and grief similar to that felt in death and mourning. The steps are:

DENIAL- Children often refuse to believe that their parents and home are having problems of such magnitude. This is particularly true just before a separation. Children seem to accept the tension as normal. sometimes denial comes as relief so that when the tension is over and the separation has occurred, home seems much better. Denial helps shelter, but only for awhile.

ANGER - Explosions often describe this stage-explosions over minor incidents. A child may hit or break things. A teenager may try drugs and alcohol or get in trouble with authorities. There is a positive side to anger; it releases energy. Parents need to risk the fury and encourage children to express themselves.

SADNESS - Sadness and anger often move back and forth with great speed. While anger often reflects hurt and disappointment, sadness is a more real expression.

REORIENTATION - During the prior stages, children may withdraw from relationships, friends, and activities. This respite gives them a time to grieve. it is a good sign when children begin to resume activities and friends.

ACCEPTANCE - These stages are not sequential and neat steps. One can jump back and forth among the stages. However, the average grief period is six month to two years. Acceptance occurs when a child can cope and realize "my parents are divorced and okay; so am I." Please note: relapses can be common for many years, especially at critical times such as holidays or a remarriage, but they lessen in intensity and length.

PARENTING

A most impossible task for any parent in a crisis is to deal with a child in a crisis. But that is exactly what is required! It means that spouse issues need separated from parenting issues. Although it is likely a strain, attempt to establish a rapport with your spouse for mutual parenting.

One can divorce a spouse, but one cannot divorce a parent; so try to understand how torn your child will be. Since his allegiance is split, remember that there are two helpful rules:

1. Refrain from making derogatory remarks.

2. Don't ask questions about the other parent.

 

PREDICTABLE BEHAVIORS

Preschool-age:

regression in toilet training

clinging to security objects

wanting help in getting dressed

changes in eating habits

whining and crying

nightmares, fearfulness

minor aches and pains

fantasies of parental reconciliation

Seven- and Eight-Year-Olds:

regressions to babyish behavior

changes in eating habits

loss of energy

delayed reactions, denial

temper tantrums

alienation from parents

self-blame

minor aches and pains

fantasies of parental reconciliation

Nine- and Ten-Year-Olds:

become very busy, very organized

put their lives in order

work to overcome their sadness

show some anger toward parents

feel some community shame

headaches, stomach aches and pains

Preadolescents and Adolescents:

denial and regression

anger and shame

extremes of withdrawal and activity

anxiety and detachment

changes in interests and activities

school problems

 

Resources:

Blume, Judy. It's Not the End of the World. 1972

Gardner, Richard. The Boys and Girls Book About Divorce. 1970

Gardner, Richard:. The Parents Book About Divorce. 1977

Krementz, Jill. How It Feels When Parents Divorce. 1984

Ricci, Isolina. Mom's House, Dad's House. 1980

Sour, Susan R. Children of Divorce. 1981

 

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Copyright by School Counselors, Altoona Area School District

clange, Webmaster

Revised:  October 29, 1999