death

C.A.P. - K.I.T.

"Death"

Most teachers and parents see death as a part of life - but frequently tend to avoid the issue when they deal with their children. They make such comments as, "Children under ten are too young to understand," or "It only makes children unhappy to talk about death; it's better if they are allowed to forget it," or "Why burden children with these worries?"
In reality, though, children worry a good deal about death, especially when they observe grieving adults who appear to be so overwrought that they tend to forget about and neglect the children.

AGES AND STAGES

AGES 3-5
In this stage, children deny death as a final process and frequently associate it with "sleeping" or "going away," but they fully expect the person to "wake up" or "come back."

AGES 5-9

During this time, children begin to understand the reality of death, but have difficulty conceiving that it could happen to someone they love - they want to keep it distant from themselves.

AGES 9-10

At this age, children usually begin to recognize that death is irreversible.

CHILDREN'S RESPONSE TO DEATH

Children may exhibit behavioral, physical, and emotional responses following the death of a loved one. Some of the most common include:
Shock/Denial - This response usually comes four to six weeks following the death. It may be accompanied by such statements as, "No, this didn't really happen. He's not dead. He'll come back."
Lack of feelings - Sometimes parents are hurt by the child's apparent lack of feelings. They have difficulty understanding how the child can be playing outside an hour after learning about grandma's death. In reality, this may be the child's way to protect himself in the only way he knows.

Regression - It is not uncommon for children to regress to immature behaviors following the death of a loved one. Children do this because they feel a need to return to the protection and security they received at a younger age.

Physiological Complaints - At this time, it is not unusual for a child to complain of upset stomach, headache, lack of appetite, etc. They often will want to stay home from school because they are sick.

"Big Man" or "Big Woman" Syndrome - Children frequently feel they have to replace the missing member by growing up very rapidly and replacing that person who died. this may be a symbolic way of keeping that person alive.

Guilt and Self Blame - Often children will wish that a parent or grandparent would just go away and leave them alone. If that parent or grandparent were to die, the child may see this as punishment for his thoughts; thus feeling a great deal of guilt.

TALKING WITH YOUR CHILD

It is essential that parents help their children work through the grief process by being available to listen and to help the child express his feelings. It is not easy to do but it will be most helpful to both you and your child. Some things to consider during these discussions are:

to accept the child's questions and to answer them as candidly as possible

to express your own feelings that are natural to the situation

to learn to feel at ease during periods of silence

to be patient and available

to allow the child to express thoughts and feelings

QUESTIONS CHILDREN MAY ASK

Since children are normally very curious, they will be especially so when it comes to the subject of death. It may be helpful to think about how you would answer questions such as those posted below:

When someone dies, does it mean they are being punished?

Why can't doctors and hospitals keep people from dying?

Will I ever see the person again?

Why did someone I love have to die? Why couldn't it have been someone else?

Is death like sleeping?

Why do some people die when they are very young?

Will I live a long time?

Are you going to die?

Does it hurt when you die?

What's a funeral?

Why do they bury people?

Death is a part of life - children will be better able to accept this if we as adults can deal with it honestly, frankly and openly.