Being a parent can at times be one of life's most demanding tasks. Parents often wonder if they are "doing the right thing," when dealing with some of the problems that are bound to come up in the course of parent-child relationships. The truth of the matter is that there is probably no one "right" style of parenting. We choose our methods according to what feels right and seems to work. Since children do not come to us with an "owner's manual" like a car or an appliance, we parents are left to figure out how to raise children by the trial and error method.

The ideas in this pamphlet have been helpful to many parents who are trying to sort out their thinking on how to deal effectively with parent-child concerns. You are encouraged to read, think, and decide if any of the ideas have meaning for your life.

Problem Ownership

Who owns the problem? This is a key question for parents, because one kind of skill is helpful when the parent owns the problem, while other skills are useful when the child owns the problem.

Parent-owned: when the child's behavior interferes with the needs of the parent. (Parent-owned problems are addressed in another pamphlet in this series - "Parent-Owned Problems.")

Child-owned: Often children will reveal that they have a problem by expressing feelings of anger, frustration sadness, etc. Examples of problems that children may own are:

difficulty doing homework

worried that she might not pass to the next grade

afraid to go to school

feeling rejected by friends

When children own problems such as these, parents can help the child to grow in self-esteem and responsibility by using a skill called "active listening."

Active Listening

Active listening is a powerful way for parents to help a child begin to accept responsibility for thinking through his own problems. This does not mean that the parent does not care, or is refusing to help. Active listening means that the parent tries to understand what the child is feeling and thinking, and then actively communicates this to the child. The parent puts this understanding into words and feeds it back to the child for verification . The parent does not send a message of his own --such as an evaluation, solution, opinion, etc. Feed back only what you feel the child's messages was ---nothing more. (If you offer solutions or advice, you take over ownership of the problem and the child loses the opportunity to handle his own situation.

Examples:

NOT active listening - Mom takes over the problem:

Sue: Mary won't play with me. She never does what I want to do!

Mom: Why don't you take turns?

Sue: She does goofy things. I don't even like her!

Mom: Well, then, don't play with her if you're going to be a fuss button.

Sue: She's the fuss button, not me! Besides, there's nobody else to play with.

Mom: You're tired. Why don't you take a nap?

Sue: I'm not tired! You don't understand how much I hate her!

Mom : That's enough of that talk!

Sue: I hate this neighborhood; there's nobody nice to play with.

 

Active Listening:

Sue: May won't play with me. She never does what I want to do!

Mom: You're sort of angry with Mary.

Sue: Yes. I never want to see her again!

Mom: You're so angry you feel like you never want to play with her ever again.

Sue: Yeah. But if I don't play with Mary, I won't have anyone to play with.

Mom: You wouldn't like playing along.

Sue: Uh Huh. I guess I have to try to get along with her, but it's so hard!

Mom: You want to get along, but it isn't easy.

Sue: Yep. It used to be easy when she did what I wanted. she won't let me be the boss all the time now.

Mom: It was easy when you could be the boss?

Sue: Maybe it would help if I let her get her way sometimes. What do you think?

Mom: You're thinking maybe you'll take turns being boss and that might help.

Sue: Yeah. I think I'll try it!

 

RESOURCES

Faber, A. and E. Mazlish. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. 1980

Gordon, Thomas. Parent Effectiveness Training. 1970

Popkin, Michael. Active Parenting Handbook. 1983

 

 

 to CAP KITs topics

 

Copyright by School Counselors, Altoona Area School District
clange, Webmaster
gsprankle, AASD Web Architect
Revised: January 1, 2003